Honesty

It is difficult when someone asks for information that may be too much for them to understand or accept-  for example, when a nursing home resident asks "When can I go home?"  or when they are looking to visit with someone from their past, decades after that person has died. Response is delicate and depends on how that person has dealt with difficult information in their lifetime, balanced with, "will this new information be helpful?" 

I believe that we should treat others the way we would like to be treated, so to put ourselves in the shoes of another is a good guideline. It's not about us and "being honest." It's about offering the kindest, most gentle path to someone we love. 

Seeking home may be about enjoying some of the comforts of home- their favorite quilt, the smell of hubby's cigars from his favorite sweater, photos of those they've loved, and their favorite tea cup. New things aren't always better - things that are familiar are the things that feel like home.

If your loved one is seeking to see someone who has passed, try to recognize what it is that they are seeking. It may be to remember the kindness shown to them by their parent. To ask "Tell me about your mother" may evoke memories that bring contentment. They may be seeking relaxation through a good cookie and a cup of tea, as they used to share with their parent or spouse. Gentle kindness and comfort foods can enhance any day, at any point of life. 

All we have is a given moment. Keep that in mind in the connection, amid all the questions. "What will help my loved one in this moment?" and connect with care and love.

It Just Makes Sense

If you plan to visit someone and want to share some photos taken recently, consider these steps – the greatest chance of success in having focus, involves using our senses. When making plans to have a visit with someone with memory impairment, give some thought to connecting through the senses.  

Sight - The light in the room needs to be bright enough to see. Ensure that shadows are eliminated or at least limited and try to eliminate glare. If showing from a phone, consider using a larger device, like a tablet, or perhaps even printing a few photos for the person to hold and keep as their own as a memento of the visit and time you spent together.

Touch – Personal space is the distance that is comfortable between one person and another and that comfort is very individual. Some people are huggers, and some are not. It varies from person to person but also in cultures, and even with respect to health. Someone who may have been comfortable being in proximity prior to their illness may change with their condition and may not even realize it themselves. A gentle touch to the hand is a great way to gain attention, however, it’s important to be alert to signs of discomfort.

Sound - Limit distractions. Noise will affect the ability to focus- radio, multiple people talking... the quieter the better. For some, gentle background music may help them to relax. What we respond to is very individual but to achieve the best result, we must be alert to signals. 

Smell – Perfumes and colognes can be overwhelming to many individuals. When visiting institutions, keep in mind that most are scent-free.  On a positive note, a scent that a person enjoyed in the past– toasted raisin bread with cinnamon sugar on top or a bouquet of lilacs may bring a sense of comfort.

Taste – One of life's greatest pleasures is tasting what we consume so, respecting one’s dietary guidelines; hot chocolate, a chai latte, or a simple cup of coffee, or tea may increase the attention of the moment. 

Keeping the senses in mind makes sense!

Connecting In Visit

Connecting in movement- a walk together, whether side by side, or taking the one you care for in a wheelchair, allows a change of scenery which brings something new to experience together in the moment. If able to go for a drive, places where they may see young children playing is pleasant and fun to observe. Some options may be to go near a playground/schoolyard or stables where children learn to horseback ride. Ski-hills, skateboard parks, boardwalks, golf courses, dog parks - places where there is movement, and activity provides the eye with something stimulating and may evoke a memory.

 “What’s new” is an often-used introduction to conversation at the beginning of a visit and quite often, absolutely nothing is new. And, if there is something new, impairment doesn’t always allow the memory to retrieve that information and express it. When we visit, it’s often easier to connect in action – doing something together.

When we meet a former colleague or old friend, and they say “remember the time... and we remember – we go off to that place in our mind. It’s not likely to happen in every visit, but let that be a goal - to tap into one of those pleasant experiences with the ones you love... what a tremendous connection!

Individuality

To successfully connect with someone challenged by the effect of dementia or disease, we need to recognize their individuality. For those living in a care home or hospital, this can become challenging for all the things that make us unique become less prominent. While many facilities encourage decorating a room or a display cupboard outside of the room to showcase items of meaning to the one residing in their care, all are expected to eat at a specific time, get up and go to sleep at consistent times, & wear clothes that are tolerant of mass laundering. When we are healthy and living freely, our choices and patterns, the car we drive, the style of our clothing and hair, the way we vacation, garden or engage in our communities- can set us apart from others. 

Every connection we make in life is unique.  With some, it happens quickly and easily – we have similar interests, values, experiences or goals. It may be more challenging to connect with those less like us.

Look at the person for the things that made them the unique.  Were they a community activist, did they love to read, ski, sew, cook, bake or were they an avid fan of a favorite sports team? Did they like to watch old movies, did they love antiques, or are they musical? The skillset may have changed a little, but the interest may be adaptable.

In my work, I often heard stories of what a person used to do, followed by the statement that they “can’t do it anymore”. Abilities change so we must adapt. Maybe Mom can’t bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies on her own anymore, however, she may cream the sugar into the butter, or drop dough by teaspoonfuls full or perhaps just butter knife slice the pre-prepared cookie dough sold at the grocery store onto the cookie sheet – whatever the steps, the result is the same... There is an opportunity to share a cup of coffee or tea with a warm cookie and some time with someone important to us.  

Remember and recognize the person you value and cherish their uniqueness in your next visit.